“Being” and being sick

I’ve been having the flu now for a few days already, and I have noticed how badly I react.  My own advice, given back to me by my husband : ) ,  to “accept it and relax into it” seems impossible! The only thing I seem to feel is a lingering feeling of guilt, this keeps me tense and not wanting to feel anything. The next thing I do is that I distract myself by looking at a tv screen, computer screen or sleep. But just “being with it” , impossible! A few yoga moves so my body doesn’t lock up on me completely is all I can manage a day with regards to awareness….

Why? why is it so difficult for me to “be.. with being sick”  . After talking to a dear friend on the phone today I found a bit of clarity. He told me his story, that after a few years of being anxious and not able to do the things he wanted to, he learned that his “being” was not dependent on his “doing”. That struck a chord in me. I realized that that lingering feeling of guilt is there a lot when I stop “doing” , what I subconsciously  believe I need to be doing,  to be able to allow myself to”be”.

“I AM” …Sick or healthy, doing something or not, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t even change!  I am that what is aware of all that I think I should be doing or not, I am that what I observe, which is being miserable, sick ,tense, guilty. But most of all I just am, because I simply cannot not “be”. So I finally seem to be able to “be” with what “is”, knowing that that also will pass (thankfully ;)

Written by a feverish Esther


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28 Comments

  • Please take more rest and get well soon!

    Comment by Catball Feb 04, 10, 2:39 am

  • Thank you Ester, we have always to learn something, all together!!
    Marina

    Comment by marina Feb 04, 10, 10:50 am

  • We wish you quick recovery! Very interesting post – thank you.

    Comment by Mirek & Joanna Feb 04, 10, 9:40 pm

  • Dear Esther, please get well soon because everybody’s going to miss your yoga class so badly :)
    Theng Tyng

    Comment by Theng Tyng Feb 05, 10, 8:33 am

  • I hope you recover from your flu soon. What wonderful insight your friend shared with you. Our being does not depend on our doing. We do seem to know which poses to work on by accessing how we feel before a yoga workout. Being and doing can work together, but are not dependent on each other.

    Comment by Beth Feb 06, 10, 5:48 pm

  • Isn’t it interesting how we need to keep re-learning what we love to teach. Health to you, and even more, contentment.

    Comment by Anon Feb 08, 10, 9:06 am

  • Hope you feel better soon!
    I only just recently discovered your channel on youtube and I love it. You are so beautiful, inspirational and great at what you are doing!

    Esther, it would be greatly appreciated if you could do a post/video on yoga for rheumatoid arthritis, when you feel better of course :)
    I would be very interested to know particular moves/poses that help with the pain as well as stiffness.
    Thank you Esther.
    Ella

    Comment by Ella Feb 08, 10, 9:43 am

  • Most Yoga instructors I’ve known act like they never doubt themselves or question anything they do or believe in.Like they have all the answers and don’t have to look any further
    It’s so good to see someone like you dear Esther, who, despite all your knowledge and insight , shares her thoughts and sometimes doubts and questions with us.There’s the word quest in questions…It’s like you show us your quest…the choices you make on your path…That makes you human and therefore the best Yoga teacher I’ve ever seen.
    Thank you for all you are doing.It really makes a difference.
    Get well on your own tempo.Listen to your body and you will soon be your own radiant self again

    Eric

    Comment by Eric Feb 08, 10, 5:49 pm

  • very interresting read!!
    makes you think doesn’t it…well, it made me think for sure!

    get well and take your time to heal ;)

    Tommy

    Comment by tommy Feb 08, 10, 9:51 pm

  • Dear Esther; How close to you I feel ,even when we don’t share the same language, I can understand perfectly, how you feel, I am not sick , but I suppose to be in my “resting” days, but I can not deal with it very well, is hard for me to understand that is the time for not doing much and rest, but I feel simply guilty of doing nothing, I am new in Yoga , and help to keep my mind in peace at least for a while, You will get well, so relax, and enjoy the time in bed! Look whois talking! lol
    From Chile.

    Comment by Alex Maureira Feb 09, 10, 5:08 am

  • Hi Esther. I thank you so much for being so gracious as to share your knowledge with us. I have a bad lower back, and at the age of 24 thought perhaps i was too busy to stop and do a little yoga during my day. You have inspired in me the drive to make time for myself, and to delve ever more deeply into who I am.

    I wish you had Yogatic t-shirts that I could wear so everyone would say “Hey, whats that?!”

    -Sunshine
    MA, USA

    Comment by Sunshine Feb 09, 10, 3:42 pm

  • DEAR ESTHER,

    HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW? FLU DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE ANY ONE. IF YOU GET IT SO WHAT? TAKE A COMPLETE REST. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, YOU HAVE A GOOD IMMUNITY, YOU WILL GET BETTER AND YOUR WILL GET YOUR STRENGTH BACK. WE ALL ARE WISHING YOU TO GET WELL SOON, LOVE YOU, TAKE CARE,
    RITA

    Comment by RITA Feb 11, 10, 6:53 am

  • Thank you everybody for your good wishes. I feel a lot better, back to work anyway.. This evening I’m off to the Netherlands for a course. Looking forward to being away for a few days. Will write about it when I’m back!

    Comment by Esther Feb 11, 10, 8:54 am

  • Hi Esther, thank you for sharing this ‘revelation’ and glad you are feeling better. I also think that experiencing sickness and difficulties, whether physical or otherwise, helps us develop compassion and empathy for others. I am a massage therapist, and have had a horrible cold this week too, and have struggled with the guilt of canceling appointments (of course, it’s for the clients’ good that I not touch them when I am ill), but I fell the guilt of having gotten sick at all. But having known the sensations/irritations of illness or other physical/emotional pain, I focus my intention of compassion toward my client better, and I pray they will feel comfort through my touch. Btw, have a great trip!

    Comment by BirdOnAHarp Feb 11, 10, 3:16 pm

  • get well soon

    Comment by Julia Feb 11, 10, 7:32 pm

  • GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE GETTING BETTER AND GOING AWAY FOR FEW DAYS GET FRESH FEEL GOOD AND WE WILL HAVE FEVERISH ESTHER TO FRESH ENERGETIC AND CHARMING ESTHER. HAVE A NICE TRIP.
    RITA

    Comment by RITA Feb 11, 10, 8:05 pm

  • Hope you are feeling better Esther. Recently I have been having problems going to sleep. I was trying to observe my mind while I was dozing off, but that put me off from sleeping altogether. Then I read from Osho that it was impossible to do it :) When you are too occupied with how you feel no other thought or feeling can penetrate. Trying to track back your feelings related to that illness is very stressful and really tiring especially when you are sick isn’t it :)
    Take good care…

    Comment by D Feb 13, 10, 12:03 pm

  • Actually, this post made my day:) I have been feeling terrible for the past 2-3 weeks, as I’ve decided to do some running outside [in the snow....] and ended up having to run straight to a pharmacy, and this flue just won’t go away …. So I havent’ been doing nothing much, only did yoga about three times in the last 15 days, havent’ spent much time with the family, haven’t taken care of the house or a hundred or so other things that should have been done….. and felt horrible about it and myself being slack….
    but after reading all this, I decided that today I’ll just do some yoga now, then have a nice hot bath & let’s just see what happens, maybe I’ll watch a movie with my daughter, order some junk food without feeling guilty about not having cooked dinner … and just relax :)

    Comment by Joanna Feb 15, 10, 2:08 pm

  • Your friend’s ‘being’ is not dependent on his ‘doing’? This statement may have helped you in the short term, but it does not seem to ring true across all things. If he does not breathe (doing), he will not exist for long. If he does not drink (doing), he will cease to ‘be’ after a few days. On the other hand, if he overbreathes or overdrinks, his being will be impacted negatively as well. Doing is a part of being, not separate from it — I’m inclined to argue. Perhaps you just need to define ‘resting’ as ‘doing’ (you seem to have equated ‘resting’ with ‘being’), especially when you are sick and your body has to be allowed time to fight its fight. I personally like the advice to “accept it and relax into it”. It sounds yoga.

    Comment by Mike Mar 05, 10, 3:55 am

  • Hi Mike, I can see where you are coming from. I have experienced though that if you trust life, relaxing in being means things get done, without you needing to consciously do them. They just happen.. We think way too much and we believe we can control things that you can wonder if we wouldn’t make such an effort, the same might still happen, without all the worrying and so called “doing”.
    Anyway, very philosophical and “accepting and relaxing into it” comes down to the same thing i feel.
    Take care,

    Comment by Esther Mar 05, 10, 12:21 pm

  • Hi Esther,
    Hope you’re ok now :) Flu is something nobody likes to get. A really helpful ‘tool’ if we can call it like that, to relief flu is a complete reiki session or more. Try some echinacea and ginger tea, it will be very helpful too.
    Hope to hear from you soon.
    :)

    Comment by elisabete Mar 06, 10, 10:53 pm

  • Dear Esther
    It would be so easy for you to put up a wall of “I am the strong healthy Yoga teacher” to your viewers. It is so refreshing to experience your complete honesty and integrity that allows u to share your flu misery with us.
    Please take special care and listen to your husbands advice, you need and deserve this time , just keep listening very carefully to your body and come back slowly
    MA

    Comment by Mary Ann Mar 06, 10, 11:20 pm

  • Thank you Elisabeth. Reiki is wonderful, and I love ginger tea :) I’m healthy again!
    Esther

    Comment by Esther Mar 07, 10, 2:42 pm

  • Thank you Mary Ann,
    That’s very much appreciated! Thankfully I have my energy back!
    Esther

    Comment by Esther Mar 07, 10, 2:43 pm

  • Glad to know you are feeling better Esther. Looking forward to more great videos:-)

    Comment by kriti Mar 09, 10, 2:06 pm

  • Hello Esther

    Are you still feeling well. I am starting to worry. I am in need of my regular esther yoga fix. When will your DVD be available. I have been following your site for what must be nearly two years. I have two young children and work full time. Your site is great to fit in around my day and i recommend you to anybody and everybody.
    See you soon.
    Natalie

    Comment by natalie Mar 15, 10, 9:05 pm

  • Hello Esther,
    I found your video’s on youtube and are a fan eversince.
    Groetjes,
    Peter
    Zandvoort

    Comment by Peter Mar 31, 10, 3:29 pm

  • Hi Esther, I started doing the sun salutation 3 weeks ago and I have done it EVERY DAY since then because I felt the good effects immediately and I was surprised how my posture and breathing has made me feel more alert and awake in the mornings. Your site is great, I hope to start doing the moon salutation soon.
    By the way, I tried making your friend´s avocado and poached egg on toast and I love it! It´s a favourite! Thanks to both!!
    Well done on this site, it´s really useful.

    Raveen
    Madrid

    Comment by Raveen Apr 18, 10, 10:25 pm



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